Sooo part of the reason I haven’t been producing art these past few days was because I was terrified. On saturday night I found an anomaly in one of my breasts. I had never felt it before. It was a lump. It could move. It wasn’t painful but it was hard. Suddenly, life as I knew it seemed so… Trivial. There could be something wrong with me. There could be something that would drastically change my life…I called my mom who was five hours away…and she told me that we don’t have a family history of cancer but cysts do…but it was still a good idea to get it looked at. I went to church the next day with so many mixed emotions. I tried hard to focus on the message, on any peace that I now know God was trying to give me. After church, I cried into my wife’s arms all of my worries and fears. Why do we even live life? Everything ends…one day my wife may die before I do. My parents probably will, and maybe my friends and sisters. At the end of the day all the art I make won’t matter, the money I make will be spent. These were fearful thoughts, I have heard of women who can die very quickly after being diagnosed… And although I knew the possibility of me having anything serious wasnt a huge chance… There was always this nagging fear that it could be cancer…God doesn’t always protect people from harm…why was I any different? On Monday i went to my clinic in hopes that they would check me over and tell me “no big deal! You are fine!” And in someways they did… But then they also said I would need an ultrasound to be sure. (Apparently women under 40 have very dense breasts and a mammogram may not be able to find anything) I had to wait TWO Days for my appointment. I burst into tears once again and held my wife in the waiting room before returning to work. How the hell could impossibly be able to get through 48 hours of not knowing if I had a life changing THING inside me. I told myself I wouldn’t be okay until a doctor could tell me for sure… And I suddenly heard/felt God telling me that he was more powerful than any doctor and if he told me I was going to be okay… I would be okay. I had to laugh… He had been trying to tell me this. But I wasn’t sure if not was my own small optimism, or his voice. On Tuesday night my wife and I were driving and I saw the most beautiful sky. The clouds reminded me of a sort of reverse view of earth, and to one side there was a beautiful light beam shining towards my home. I felt as if God was saying “look to the light, that is where I am. There is peace here.” I couldn’t help but smile. Somehow I got through Tuesday… And I had a few emotional bouts, but nothing as bad as Monday and Sunday… This morning, my wife and I made our way into the Breast Care Wing of our hospital (I haaaate hospitals) I nearly lost it. But she showed me some hilarious camel hump day photos to help distract me… And finally they called my name and I knew whatever happened next I would be okay. If I had cancer i would try to rely on God and the Doctors to heal me…(even though I would probably be terrified) The ultrasound was odd… Usually it’s something I see pregnant moms go through… And I’m not sure I will ever experience that. Thankfully, the techs were super nice… And they even explained to me what typically cancerous tumor do and that is they kind of cling onto the tissue. They don’t want to let go, and therefore they are pretty stationary. (My lump did not like to stay put, it was actually hard to find) They then took the images to the radiologist, and he was able to tell them rather quickly that it was nothing that required a biopsy and I didn’t need a follow up. It was most likely a cyst. (Which my poor mother had told me over and over again during these past couple days) I was so relieved, but also I felt a little silly for worrying for nearly 4 days. The entire time God was trying to tell me I would be okay. And no matter how it ended I would have been. When I was young an amazing woman I looked was diagnosed and she told me “keep your eyes on the mountain mover, not the mountain.” And I tried to listen to those words. This time the story ended well… But I do want to encourage all my fellow women and even men that if you suspect something could be wrong GET IT CHECKED. It is always better to be safe. Cancer can happen. It’s not something that effects older people. I also want to express to you all that Life is so very short. Don’t hold grudges, hig your loved ones. There is never enough time for “I love yous” and “goodbyes” Sorry this was long. I have been stuck in my head for 4 days and it feels good to get it out.