Kit-N-Kadoodle

A lot of things are changing right now. Important people are moving away in the next few months…and while I’m happy for them my heart is literally crying and I don’t want anyone to feel guilty but my eyes won’t stop freaking leaking when I am around these people.

And these people may end up reading g this and I’m sorry if it’s annoying or upsetting. This is my blog these are my feelings and if I don’t write the. Here I may explode.

These people aren’t my possessions. I hold them dear, but I don’t want to hold too tightly…but my god will I miss then terribly. And I will worry about them like the mother hen friend/mama bear friend I am. Okay?

I hate change. I hate goodbyes.

So I have this weird phobia or clusters, things with multiple limbs, teeth and clusters of holes….

And I really hate the internet sometimes… Yesterday I was scrolling through Facebook and there was this stupid video that autoplayed of a fucking tarantula molting crazily sped up…. Double the legs and double the creepy. And I CANNOT GET IT out of MY HEAD. I feel like crying TBH because it was so weird and my brain just couldn’t understand….

I hate how sensitive I am to this crap man…and its only getting worse. :( does anyone have any advice?

Sometimes I just get really down on myself. I have big dreams, guys. And I am afraid of being average…but average is sort of how I feel right now.

I have Ideas on how to dig myself out of this rut I’m in… But then I get so overwhelmed by the idea of failure or where to even begin.

I want to grow as an artist and as a person… I don’t want to be in this exact same place next year hoping and wishing that i will be better. That I will find success.

I want to be closer to my goals. I am the only person who can draw and paint the way I do. My work is one of a kind and so is yours. Let’s all strive to be better than we are today. Only we can bring our dreams to life. 2016, look out baby because I’m going to grow.

No one is going to read this…
But I am really struggling.
I am struggling to understand how such a loving family can reject their daughter by not attending her wedding.
I am struggling because they shattered her idea of what her family stands for.
I am struggling because they went to the beach instead of my wedding..and posted pics of their weekend getaway..
I am struggling because if my wife and I were to visit them for Christmas we wouldn’t be able to stay with them because we are gay. (But that’s not Christmas to me…)
I am struggling because I desperately want to forgive them…
But I am so hurt, I am so sad, I am so angry.

I am struggling because I want them to be a part of my life…but if my wife and I were to ever have kids…it would be way too confusing for them.

I am struggling to find any joy this holiday season.

I am struggling

Sooo part of the reason I haven’t been producing art these past few days was because I was terrified. On saturday night I found an anomaly in one of my breasts. I had never felt it before. It was a lump. It could move. It wasn’t painful but it was hard. Suddenly, life as I knew it seemed so… Trivial. There could be something wrong with me. There could be something that would drastically change my life…I called my mom who was five hours away…and she told me that we don’t have a family history of cancer but cysts do…but it was still a good idea to get it looked at. I went to church the next day with so many mixed emotions. I tried hard to focus on the message, on any peace that I now know God was trying to give me. After church, I cried into my wife’s arms all of my worries and fears. Why do we even live life? Everything ends…one day my wife may die before I do. My parents probably will, and maybe my friends and sisters. At the end of the day all the art I make won’t matter, the money I make will be spent. These were fearful thoughts, I have heard of women who can die very quickly after being diagnosed… And although I knew the possibility of me having anything serious wasnt a huge chance… There was always this nagging fear that it could be cancer…God doesn’t always protect people from harm…why was I any different? On Monday i went to my clinic in hopes that they would check me over and tell me “no big deal! You are fine!” And in someways they did… But then they also said I would need an ultrasound to be sure. (Apparently women under 40 have very dense breasts and a mammogram may not be able to find anything) I had to wait TWO Days for my appointment. I burst into tears once again and held my wife in the waiting room before returning to work. How the hell could impossibly be able to get through 48 hours of not knowing if I had a life changing THING inside me. I told myself I wouldn’t be okay until a doctor could tell me for sure… And I suddenly heard/felt God telling me that he was more powerful than any doctor and if he told me I was going to be okay… I would be okay. I had to laugh… He had been trying to tell me this. But I wasn’t sure if not was my own small optimism, or his voice. On Tuesday night my wife and I were driving and I saw the most beautiful sky. The clouds reminded me of a sort of reverse view of earth, and to one side there was a beautiful light beam shining towards my home. I felt as if God was saying “look to the light, that is where I am. There is peace here.” I couldn’t help but smile. Somehow I got through Tuesday… And I had a few emotional bouts, but nothing as bad as Monday and Sunday… This morning, my wife and I made our way into the Breast Care Wing of our hospital (I haaaate hospitals) I nearly lost it. But she showed me some hilarious camel hump day photos to help distract me… And finally they called my name and I knew whatever happened next I would be okay. If I had cancer i would try to rely on God and the Doctors to heal me…(even though I would probably be terrified) The ultrasound was odd… Usually it’s something I see pregnant moms go through… And I’m not sure I will ever experience that. Thankfully, the techs were super nice… And they even explained to me what typically cancerous tumor do and that is they kind of cling onto the tissue. They don’t want to let go, and therefore they are pretty stationary. (My lump did not like to stay put, it was actually hard to find) They then took the images to the radiologist, and he was able to tell them rather quickly that it was nothing that required a biopsy and I didn’t need a follow up. It was most likely a cyst. (Which my poor mother had told me over and over again during these past couple days) I was so relieved, but also I felt a little silly for worrying for nearly 4 days. The entire time God was trying to tell me I would be okay. And no matter how it ended I would have been. When I was young an amazing woman I looked was diagnosed and she told me “keep your eyes on the mountain mover, not the mountain.” And I tried to listen to those words. This time the story ended well… But I do want to encourage all my fellow women and even men that if you suspect something could be wrong GET IT CHECKED. It is always better to be safe. Cancer can happen. It’s not something that effects older people. I also want to express to you all that Life is so very short. Don’t hold grudges, hig your loved ones. There is never enough time for “I love yous” and “goodbyes” Sorry this was long. I have been stuck in my head for 4 days and it feels good to get it out.

This summer my wife and I got married and it was awesome. Married life is great. We had a blast celebrating our commitment to each other with friends and loved ones especially because it had been two weeks since marriage equality became a real thing.

And during the wedding and ceremony my wife and I were having so much fun. That for those 7 hours we forgot that there really important people missing from our wedding. My parents.

It wasnt until the day after that it really hit me. My parents didn’t show up. And although I am so very happy being married, there are some days that I am just not okay with the fact that I will remember this day for the rest of my life and my mom’s smiling face and my dad’s goofy orneryness will be completely missing from my memory and the photos.

And because they will probably never see this and I am just not brave enough to confront them face to face… I come here to write an imaginary letter…one that will never be delivered… But i need to write this…

Dear Mom and Dad,
How are things? We hardly ever talk anymore. We miss you. I miss you. Where are you?
So a lot has happened, I am sure you know that i got married to the Love of my life in July! I gave you an invitation, so you at least would know where I was for two weeks…
I knew deep down you guys would probably not attend, just as I knew that no one else but my sister would. You did tell me a year ago that you wouldn’t…
And I didn’t push you. I wrote you a letter explaining how I believe that my relationship is indeed a positive relationship and that God still loves and supports us. Especially since I feel that our faith in Him has grown stronger.
It had to…because without my faith in God…I don’t know how I will ever find the strength to forgive you…
You missed everything. You missed the planning, the hard work that we put in to our big day. And although you are a rock star when it comes to decorating, Mom, you weren’t there to help. But our wedding was beautiful. My best friend gave me away, when that should have been you, Dad. You guys would have loved the party… There was singing and dancing and I know you would have had fun!
But you were at a beach…trying to forget that I was getting married. You were thousands of miles away…and you still are in a matter if speaking.
How is this love? How can breaking the Heart of your child be something that our Savior would support? How is this just?

It isn’t… And I don’t believe Jesus is proud of you. I am not okay, with your absence. I am not okay knowing that you aren’t even trying.

But I love you…and it is because i love you, that I will lean on Christ and try… Try to forgive. I will continue the hope that someday your hearts will soften. That you will see my marriage as real and good. And I will never stop trying to show you what love is.

Dear Mom and Dad,
How are things? We hardly ever talk anymore. We miss you. I miss you. Where are you?